


we were soldiers once, and young

by sevedra



Series: The Winter Soldier Files [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Altered Mental States, Captain America: The First Avenger, Captain America: The First Avenger Compliant, Gen, Marvel Cinematic Universe Compliant, POV First Person, Psychological Trauma, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-10-28 16:16:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10834815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevedra/pseuds/sevedra
Summary: Bucky doesn't go home





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Мы были солдатами и были молоды](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12544540) by [Melarissa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melarissa/pseuds/Melarissa)



> title taken from the novel of the same name by Lt. Gen. Harold G. Moore and Joseph L. Galloway

when it's over  
when captain america has come and i am no longer on the table  
when steve and i have fought our way out of that factory  
when the long march is finally done  
when i can finally lay down my burdens  
when the time has come for me to rest

i realize  
i can never go home again  
steve is here  
he's big and strong and captain america  
but he's here  
in the war

i could never leave him to fight alone  
every back alley i stood with him  
in all the brawls i had his back  
he always knew i'd be right beside him  
i never let him down before  
i am not going to start doing it now

captain america is putting together his own team  
he looks me in the eye  
the knowledge is already there waiting for me  
all i have to do is confirm  
doubt shadows over his face  
but there is no doubt that i am following steve

so i'll rest when the war is over  
or i'll sleep when i'm dead  
whichever comes first  
but i'll do everything in my power   
to make sure steve stays alive  
i'm with him 'til the end of the line


	2. Chapter 2

i keep looking, but it's so hard to see my steve  
all i can see is captain america  
it's like a mask  
like the uniform covers his whole self  
and there is no steve  
except every now and then, just around the edges

but i can't see me anymore either  
since the factory  
i don't know who i am  
something changed there  
something profound  
i am not the same man that i was

i'm so tired  
so tired, all the time  
not bodily exhausted  
but mentally weary, worn, wasted  
my mind is jumbled  
only calm down the sight of my rifle

i'm afraid  
always afraid  
of the war  
steve being hurt  
never going home  
afraid of myself

steve isn't steve  
he's captain america  
he's still brave, still foolish  
but he's different  
strange, a stranger  
he's here, but i miss him

he was always my anchor  
my loadstone  
true north  
i knew where i was when i was with him  
i'm with him  
but i'm always lost

i'm not myself  
i'm tired  
i'm lost  
i'm afraid

so afraid


	3. Chapter 3

it's cold here in the war  
i'm cold  
inside  
there's snow on the ground  
and snow in the air  
and snow in my blood

i lay on the wet white ground  
looking down my sight  
it's the only time i'm calm  
the noise in my head is quiet  
the clench in my gut is loose  
my aim is true

i never thought i'd kill  
the killing hurt me when i started  
before captain america  
before the factory  
now the kills come easily  
i don't feel them at all

i don't sleep  
maybe 3 or 4 hours a night  
sometimes only 3 or 4 nights a week  
my body isn't tired  
but my thoughts are too loud  
and my brain is exhausted

there is peace to be found though  
lying on a snowy mound  
under the brush  
watching steve's back  
guarding the commandos  
being useful

as long as i'm doing something  
anything really  
something good  
protective  
helpful  
i can find my inner harmony

but i don't know who i am  
not anymore  
i'm a stranger in my own head  
and the cold has settled in my bones  
in my blood  
in my brain

i'm frozen  
and i can't find warmth  
layers keep my skin tepid  
but the chill is deep  
unmitigated  
i am numb


	4. Chapter 4

i don't know what he did to me on that table  
but it scares the life out of me  
i know i'm not like steve  
not all the way  
not the right way  
but i am something more

more than i used to be  
i think the more is wrong somehow  
the red skull  
what if all those tests were to make a red skull?  
will i be a crazed freak?  
a killer

captain america is good, steve  
he was always so so good  
he's just magnified now  
everything about him is writ larger  
his body, yes, obviously  
but his heart too, his faith and loyalty

i was never that good  
there was always an anger in me  
a hardness, in my core, that i thought i needed  
to survive in the bad times, but also for steve  
pulling him out of a fight  
then going back to beat whoever hurt him

i came to war an idealistic patriot  
they made me kill, and i knew it was necessary  
but they didn't make me a killer  
i think zola did  
the killing is what makes me calm  
it feels different now, like murder

a killer  
a murderer  
a monster  
who am i now?  
what have they made me?  
what will i still become?


	5. Chapter 5

i lose time  
my mind blanks and i lose myself  
things come into focus  
and we've moved camp  
or watch has rotated  
and i missed it happening

what do i do when i'm unaware?  
no one has said anything  
so maybe it hasn't been noticed  
if i act normal when it happens  
then i'm not drawing attention to myself  
but what if i do something not normal?

anything could happen when i'm out  
what's making me lose track?  
i'm sitting at the campfire  
everything is the same as always  
and then i'm in my bedroll  
and dugan is shaking me to take watch

i'm settled in my hide  
eyeing down my scope  
then steve is bumping my shoulder  
and we're marching back to camp  
the skirmish is done  
the men are all alive

it's mid-morning  
everybody is packing in the tents and pots  
but the last i remember is  
bedding down and wondering if i'd sleep  
the night has passed  
and i don't recall waking up

something is wrong with me  
zola did something that isn't going away  
the lies i told medical are coming back on me  
biting me in the ass by freaking me out  
i don't know who i am  
what i am

what i'm doing


	6. Chapter 6

we're going after zola  
steve wants the bastard to pay  
he knows zola hurt me  
no one knows how much  
or that i've changed  
that i'm not me anymore

steve noticed i'm not his happy bucky  
not quite the same guy as i was before the war  
but he hasn't seen how little i sleep  
how long i can march without rest  
that i trade all my cigarettes for extra rations  
because i'm always hungry

i'm the only one who knows  
that the killing calms me  
i've become a stone cold murderer  
except killing the enemy isn't murder  
it's war, so it's okay  
it feels like murder

nobody knows when i lose time  
am i interacting with people then?  
is a whole different man talking to my pals?  
or am i a zombie when i'm not really here?  
just a blank space wearing my face  
a placeholder for myself

how can no one even know?  
i'm here, but i'm wrong  
nobody sees!  
steve looks at me, but he never sees inside me  
it's like i'm invisible  
not really here at all

and now we're after zola  
he's on that train  
we're going to get on there with him  
and i have no control over myself  
or my mind  
and no one else even knows that i'm not alright

but zola will know  
he'll see right through me  
whatever is wrong is something he did  
i am what he's made me  
and i am terrified  
that he'll take me back

and remake me again


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lsat chapter

zola is on this train  
it feels like i can sense him  
he knows i'm here too  
his brand of evil is heavy in the air  
it calls to me  
and i am so afraid of him

steve and i ended up alone fighting  
even we were separated for a bit by a door  
but now we're fighting together  
it's so close, too close  
this may be the most important fight ever for us  
and we're losing

the HYDRA guys have those science fiction blaster guns  
there's no way steve and i can defeat these soldiers  
we're outmanned and outgunned  
relying on dodging more than hitting  
i can't help but wonder  
did zola work on these guys too?

the space is tight  
we don't even have room to fight  
the train car is small  
steve is so damned big  
there's a lot of storage boxes in the way  
plus the HYDRA soldiers

we can't maneuver well enough  
can't fight if we get pinned down  
steve is good with the shield  
but all i have is a gun  
guns aren't enough against these goons  
we're losing what little ground there is

steve is down!  
he was hit pretty hard  
he's dropped the shield  
he's unarmed  
they're going to kill him  
unless i can do something

the wall is blasted open and  
now i have the shield  
it's awkward, not quite natural  
i lose the shield, then  
i am blasted  
and i'm losing my grip

steve  
steve  
please  
oh god  
steve  
stevie?

 

 

 

Falling  
fear  
falling  
falling  
falling  
wind  
cold  
fear

Impact  
pain  
pain  
pain  
cold  
fear  
cold  
fear

Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last part of chapter 7 is the first part of chapter 1 of Unmaking and Becoming. Because I thought it was more symmetrical that way.

**Author's Note:**

> [ Melarissa](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Melarissa/pseuds/Melarissa) is translating this series into Russian!  
> [Проект "Зимний Солдат"](http://archiveofourown.org/series/857592)


End file.
